halfway to irony

Ok, maybe ill keep up with this blogging thing. It’s something to do. I have other things to do, like masturbate. But I can’t. So I’ll blog instead.

This time, i want to draw some parallels from some past people/experiences to the present. As I was pretending to be King (lets see how many of you can guess what that means…), some thoughts ran through my head unexpectedly. I realized that this weekend, and throughout my time so far in NY, ive been in many situations that, now that i think about it, are quite similar to situations ive been in in the past–however, I’ve dealt with the present situations in such a way that i didnt even notice the parallels until now. I think thats a good thing?

Vamos a ver. Well, parallel numero uno was basically taken care of in the last major entry (see both). turning bullshit/drama/unnecessary crap into exactly what it is: nothing. it goes straight out the window. and it’s easy to do. and i guess thats only true because a certain someone trained me so well. thanks hun. now if only we were still on speaking terms?

Undoubtedly, parallel duex comes straight from the aforementioned hun. I suppose most if not all of the things I’ll touch on stem from the same person. After all, everything that that “relationship” entailed took up over a year of my life–and arguably the most significant year of my life, encompassing by far the best AND worst moments of the past 21 years of my existence. There’s much too much there to just put everything that happened off as insignificant or unimportant. Sure, lots of it was “just because” (see the last big post) but still, there’s learning to be done. and parallels to be made. There, back on track.

So, in a series of events that unfolded this past saturday night i got thrown on to the other side of the equation. Instead of being the one fighting for something/one, i was being fought for, if you could call it that.

I am a jealous person. it sucks, but at least i can admit it. people really *shouldnt* be jealous, but its not like its something you can just turn off. its not good to be jealous a lot, and im not, but when i am, its because in certain situations, you just have to understand that yeah, its totally probable that someone who like you might get jealous based on your actions. its a natural feeling, sure it can be 100% unjustified when taken out of context. but in context, its something to be reckoned with. So yes, I’ve been jealous a few times. and its caused problems. Although to be fair, problems aren’t always entirely my fault, in fact they are mostly not my fault. but it certainly does take two. but, sometimes someone would even be more to blame than I. that’s sort of here, sort of there, but really neither here nor there, and that someone’s lack of maturity will continue to ruin any future relationships that may be had. :tears:

so saturday, when i had to deal with someone getting jealous because i wasnt necessarily giving them what they wanted…
wow i definitely know how much that sucks. in fact, “that sucks” is such a large understatement for how much that sucks. its heartbreaking. tots fo real.
and what did i do about it? i acted relatively nonchalant. so nonchalant that, by the mere fact that i wasnt reacting so negatively, that lack of negativity cold have been perceived positively.
do you follow?
its how i would have (and have) reacted.

There’s nothing wrong with cuddling, right? Unless one person likes the other person more/a lot, and the other person knows it, but doesnt share the same feelings. There’s nothing wrong with the casual make-out, is there? unless you’re capable of feeling guilty.
You know that gut feeling…you want something so bad…you get it, or something close, but your mind takes it and RUNS. your heart catches up. (damn, hows that for emo?) and before you know it…you’re back to square one, falling down the graph of life(scroll down), heartbroken for the nth time. but hey, if you didnt see it coming………but you did. i did. even if it takes a bit of time, that feeling never left your gut. it didnt. because when it does, youll know. and you know deep down that it didnt. thats why getting back together is dangerous fun. thats why it can hurt…again. its like falling down the steps. stair by stair. you dont fall as fast this time (the first time it was like the stairs just disintegrated from under you), but its definitely just as hard the second time. and its back down to the same floor you started on. and that’s shitty. mhmm.

Right now im staring out my window to the lit up Empire State Building and Chrysler Building, amidst a vast array of smaller, uglier buildings with lights staggered across the horizon. its beautiful. Its New York City. and im in it. breathtaking? yeah. mindblowing? that too. do i literally have the entire world and more at my fingertips? most probably. And what am i doing? sitting here contemplating the past, and although i could deny that like all hell, in a way, thats just what im doing: contemplating the past. the past. its the past. makes you who you are. but its not the present. [more emo; at least i dont act on it.]
But can this city make me forget about certain things in the past? no matter how many times i say it, “yes” is not the right answer. you dont forget. but, that’s not the best question to ask: can this city make me better than i was before i got here? better or worse, i dont know yet. can it numb my mind to the point of starting over? sure it can. can it heal me? that, i think, may be the “yes” im looking for. but with healing comes lots of stuff. i’m waiting for that stuff. no. strike that. im not waiting. im looking for that stuff. im here for it.

alright so that wasnt exactly a discussion of parallels but its ok. and its not a continuation/updation [ill make up words if i wanna] of what i wrote before about licensing my life away. oh well, i lose focus.

the response

Well this one should certainly be interesting…and long. but thats how i like them. [joke it up.]

I’m not in the mood to write…I suppose I should have written when i was in the mood, this morning. But I had to go to work. C’est La Vie.

I *thought* maybe i could escape a bit of drama this summer…i mean, this is New York City. Okay, I’m naive, but still…can’t i lose myself here? (don’t take that sexually).
This is supposed to be a time for change, exploration, breaking barriers, busting boundaries, and doing everything i’ve been holding myself back from doing. (Take that sexually, if you want.)
Clearly, when they say new york has everything, that means everything, including the drama.

Well it’s partly my fault. There will always be drama†. its part of being human. people are people and they react to things. You can’t change people [i learned this the hard way. yeah, the hard way.] But you CAN change your reaction to them. [no, it's really not easy, i don't care what you say.]
Alas, I have stopped dealing with bullshit/unnecessary and/or misplaced bitching/stupid drama/etc.
at the expense of friendship? shouldn’t be. did i react a little to extreme? probably.

So let’s talk a bit of specifics, since the drama’s in the details. and im all about communication when it comes to problems. did we communicate? hardly. should we? uh huh.
and that logic right there, my friends, may be the extent of my maturity. but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t place me higher than most of the people in this world. I talk when i have problems. i don’t walk away. [no. that wasnt an allusion to anything.] there’s more i can say on that philosophy but it’s not necessary here.

***
†drama. what an annoying, ugly word. Overused, generalized, and so devoid of any significant meaning (unless you’re talking about a theatrical work, etc.) it bothers me to rely on it so much here. But it is what it is.
***

ok back on track.

I’m a heartbreaker. What can i say? I know this. But I’ve had my fragile little organ [okay, i know you're giggling at that] {i was referring to my heart} played with [i just cant help myself] in all the wrong ways too many times. I’ve been affected by life. It takes time to figure shit out, put things in their place, apply the lessons you’ve learned the right way, the best way–and no, thats not something you can do without time, without conscious effort, and without screwing up a few times.
I’m slower than most people…i can’t jump right in and be the person i should be, or that you want me to be. patience may be an issue here. but perspective is definitely the issue.
And like i said before, I’m immature. Well, I’m mature…but only to an extent. I think i told someone that. and im one of those double-standard holding people. Do what i say, not what i do. my advice is sound, my actions, not so much. but im working on it. who said at 21 you had to be god’s gift to human morality? I’m working on it though, i swear I am.

this all my sound very broad and general, and it is. but thats my brain for you. so im going to try to take this train towards the specifics, like i told you i would.

to begin, a math lesson:
friend A>>> friend B >> M.Hal
is not true. bad equalities. ti-84 says wha?

let’s try another (who ever thought id use what i hate to do what i love?)

[(alcohol + strong emotions + conclusion jumping + [jealousy/jealousy]) + 2immaturity + (me)] = this weekend with emphasis on saturday night.

Why’d it happen? Let’s just start from the beginning. I know, im all over the place here. but that’s my style, yo.

The first thing ill say is that i dont believe that people can help what they feel. you don’t have control over your emotions. sometimes you dont have control over how you react to those emotions. some people are stronger than others, and can change their reactions faster and easier. I’m pretttyyy far from those people. Time takes care of it though. time, and time again. its like you’re falling down the Graph of Life. Its kinda like gravity…if it goes up, it must come down, and if it bounces, itll never get as high as the first bounce (thats..inertia?). thank you joosh barclay physics. ew

anywho, as i digress more and more…
you can’t help what you feel. so you feel it and it just FUCKS with you. all day and all night. and that, for better or for worse, is how it is. maybe, when i know certain things, say, how certain people are feeling, i should not let my feelings go unspoken. again, no one likes to be in that situation, no one likes exercising the balls/maturity that those conversations require. I’ve been on both ends. and neither one is fun. its the part of the graph where you’re falling for awhile, hoping you stop before you hit the x-axis. bad math joke? that wasn’t even a joke, was it? sorry.

ok here’s a list of things. totally out of context, but totally in context.

1. someone should have said “no i dont want to go.” preferably BEFORE the 1 am subway ride to the wrong side of town. my directional-bad, though, i think.

1a. im going on record here, and this will come back to haunt me, i know, but really, it wasnt that bad. i’d go back. :gasp: it could be a good time. ur not looking for your “Person B”, and if you are, you’re too young. it’s a party, but not half as bad as some stuff that does go on other places. it can be fun.

2. the ditching was mutual. i dont do bullshit. you made bullshit about something (see 1a, 3, and 4).

3. jealous? please. with a lil’ logic, numero uno above would have been the one-stop-shop for all your problem solving needs. and maybe some pre-planning. but mostly, some communicative lackings needed to be not lacked.

4. two aforementioned characters (A and B) could have been removed from the equation (i think thats the jealousy/jealousy) with a simple “no.”
4a. one of the above persons, yes, i did really want to see. im sorry, but im allowed.
4b. the other–honey you couldnt be more wrong in your assumptions if you assumed them in swahili.

5. I’m sorry about your deeply unfortunate, scary, and awful encounter. I should have been a better friend there. yeah, that was way wrong of me. But that’s why you shouldnt volunteer at homeless shelters, though.
5a. last sentence = joke.

6. try and talk? if you’re referring to that night, well i was pissed too. if you’re talking about the morning, i believe it was you who initiated the silence. like i said, ive learned to ignore bullshit. ill perfect that quality soon enough/never.

7. yeah, ive got priorities. not that what you said we’re mine, necessarily, but still, mine are different than yours. wanna fight about it? kayz.

8. it takes two, darling, two to live, two to love, and two to fight, among other things. its not all what “I” did so much as its what “you” did, as well. and sometimes i even think I’m being weak when i concede, but i suppose maybe that’s just a little more maturity than i thought i had.

9. congratulations on the subterranean confidence boost. Although, personally, i think meeting people on the subway is gross. i prefer the internet </sarcasm>? hmmm.

so that’s that. now on to a bit of personal reflection.

its funny how i find myself on the opposite end of things. that was so not meant to be sexual.
relationship-wise: you’re the pursuer, and the pursuee is just, playing along. its a mind fuck, even if they tell you its not. even if they think its not. even if you think its not. some shit just don’t work out, and that is the universal tautology in the philosophy of life. Why? Because. Acceptance is key…fighting is key, too, but time will eventually teach you to gauge the two. drill that into your godforsaken brains, people.

now, turn the tables. you’re the pursued. what do you do with the pursuer if you yourself dont know your own feelings. whats right to do, whats wrong to do, lets take the easy way out and do nothing. so often thats the case…or just lie. lead the person on. those last two are often, and understandably, seen as one and the same. although they are different if you ask each party in the situation.

but because you’re dealing with two different people, you’re not going to often have one-and-the-same. you’re going to have similar, related, relative, cooperative, supportive, and lots of other good -ive’s, etc. so, the key is understanding yourself. you have to do that first and foremost. the general problem with this, though, is that most people, at whatever age, don’t really understand themselves. again, life is for living. you’re lucky if you figure more than half of it out before time’s up. if you’d like to get into a “whats the meaning(s) of life” discussion, id appreciate if you’d spare me since its relatively frivolous (we’re living, deal with it), but more than likely i’d entertain the idea of such a conversation.
or, maybe its just a maturity issue. or a character issue. or how good you are at pretending? honestly i have know idea. again, Just Because. we know nothing. that probably has a negative connotation but i dont mean it as such. boggle your mind for a bit, bolster the intelligence of the human race, you will be thanked greatly.

so what is this all about? understanding.and perspective. that with a side of typical bullshit. naiveté. maturation. living. dealing. being. working. god i feel like this is straight out of a Rent song or something.

anyway, the point is…what’s the point? C’est La Vie.

i dont know. after reading through that, it doesnt seem like a fitting end. maybe thats just because its not the end? of some things at least. of others, maybe.

–

This piece is COPYRIGHTED. (C) 2008. It is owned in its entirety by the author and it is posted here with permission. Ask permission if you want to do something with it. Don’t steal it. Don’t post it elsewhere. WordPress does not own this piece. I have more connections than you do to IP attorneys.